Petals on the Wind – So, the chicks have come home to roost?

Runtime: 85 minutes
Release Date: May 26, 2014
Rating: NR
Director: Karen Moncrieff


Petals on the Wind picks up 10 years after the traumatic and sometimes giggle inducing elements of Flowers in the Attic. We get to see Cathy, Chris, and Carrie at a funeral. Though you might think that their heinous grandmother or whore of a mother died, it's actually some random dude named Paul. He was a pretty big deal in the books but means nothing here. He apparently adopted them after they ran away from Foxworth Hall. Now he's dead, but he luckily left the kids everything.


Cathy dreams of being a big deal ballerina, while Chris wants to be a doctor. While in class one day, Cathy meets the ultra hunky Julian. Not only does he have abs that make me drool, but he's also the son of her teacher and a fairly famous dancer in New York. After giving her some tips, wrapping her feet, and taking her out for moonshine (seriously), he decides that she should run away with him and go to New York.


Though she originally thinks this is cray-cray, she comes home and finds Chris waiting up for her. He keeps pushing her to admit that she was on a date before pretty much breaking down in tears and admitting that he's in love with her. Creepy on so, so, so many levels. She admits that she too is cray-cray for him and they have sex. Cut to the next morning and Carrie listening in on them from the hallway. Cathy then decides to take off with Julian.


This leaves those behind out of the loop. Chris eventually starts dating Sarah, the daughter of the doctor in charge of his residency. Carrie has problems of her own. The other girls at school keep making fun of her because she carries around a doll, which was the last gift her mom gave her. They even hide in in a storage closet and put a noose around its neck. They also tease the very clearly average size girl for being so short and small compared to them.


Cathy finds that New York is far from what she expected. Julian has a vicious streak that causes him to act out and be pretty jealous. The same day that she moves in, he goes down on her and demands that she admit that "it" and her belong to him. On another day, he gets so pissed off when he thinks that she's flirting with another guy that he deliberately drops her and she injures her knee.


She sticks with him up until he refuses to let her go back to Virginia for her brother's graduation from med school. They fight, and he slams her face into the wall. No worries though. Cathy still makes it back to Virginia to learn that her brother moved on and has a new girlfriend. Chris mans up after seeing her black eye, but she still goes back to Julian. In the hopes of making her happy, Julian puts broken glass in the lead ballerina's toe shoes. When she falls out of the next dance, Cathy gets her spot.


Carrie then runs away to New York and asks Cathy if she can move in with them. Cut to several months later and Cathy's big debut on stage. Chris shows up and while backstage, he sees Julian with his hand up Carrie's skirt. This causes a huge fight, and when Julian runs off, Cathy jumps in his car. Right after telling him that she's pregnant, another car blind sides them.


We then jump to about a year later. Cathy now has her own dance school, and Carrie pretty much does nothing except mope around and sing in choir. A guy who clearly looks like a priest starts making eyes at her, and he proposes a few months later. Carrie admits that she really does feel wicked inside and that she wouldn't make a good wife for him. She also admits that she and Julian were fooling around.


Meanwhile, Corrine is her usually evil self. She's still married to that dude, Bart, from the first movie. Her mom had a severe stroke that left her bedridden and unable to leave the house. Corrine sees her a few times just to randomly talk about her mom ruined her life and how Corrine is so much prettier and more popular than her. She also decides to completely renovate Foxworth Hall and remake it in her own honor.


Carrie goes to see her mom and give her an invitation to her wedding. I guess she got over that whole "I'm not good enough" thing. Corrine pretends she doesn't know who she is and even points out that she must have got her confused with someone else as she "doesn't have any kids."


Cathy finds a bunch of unopened letters that Carrie sent to her mom and her mom sent back returned. She also discovers that Carrie made doughnuts and got out the poison. She and Chris rush upstairs and finds that she ate the poisoned doughnuts and killed herself. Cathy decides that she will do anything to bring down their mother. Chris snaps because he's somehow still a mommy's boy and tells her that if she leaves, she's on her own.


Cathy whores it up in tall boots and a short skirt. She goes to visit Bart, claiming that she needs help with her estate. She also does some flirting and milks the fact that she's a single mother and that his wife couldn't have kids. The two naturally start an affair that ends with her pregnant. Sarah then shows up on her doorstep with the news that she and Chris are engage and that she wants Cathy to be her maid of honor.


When she heads home for the wedding, she naturally can't keep her hands off her brother. They start making out, and Sarah catches them. Chris is so angry that he decides to get even with his mother and help his sister out. They go back to Foxworth Hall, and Cathy comes face to face with their grandmother. The old women once again tells them that they're evil, wicked, the spawns of satan, blah, blah, blah. Cathy finally snaps and points out who killed Corrie and who did what to whom.


Cut to the day of the Foxworth Hall unveiling. Corrine goes to see her mother, who says some suspicious things and keeps bringing up the past. She goes home to Bart, starts giving him a hand job, and then turn evil. While still giving him a hand job, she makes him look at her in the mirror as she tells him she knows of his affair and that things will change from that moment on. They then go to the house and have a huge party in front of their friends.


Cathy shows up at the top of the stairs to tell everyone about what her mother did all those years ago. Corrine tries to deny it, but Bart realizes it's the truth. Cathy then reveals that she's pregnant with his child, and Bart throws everyone from the party. He gets Cathy alone, and she finally realizes that by getting back at her mother, she hurt an innocent person and that deep down, she really does care about him.


Corrine goes to see her mother, who casually says, "so, I guess the chickens have come home to roost?". She then shows Corrine a trunk that she had workers get from the attic and says she has a special present inside. Corrine digs through the trunk, finding the paper flowers her kids made, some clothes, and at the very bottom, Corrie's body. I guess she couldn't be bothered burying him or anything.


Chris bursts in, and Corrine sees her chance to escape. She creepily enough suggests that they run away all three and raise Cathy's baby together, she then creepily enough tries to ram her tongue down her son's throat. Chris snaps and pushes her to the side, which causes her to snap.


She grabs a candle and lights the room on fire before going crazy. Chris grabs her and carries her from the house. Cathy and Bart wander in and find the house on fire. Bart, hearing the grandmother screaming upstairs, runs up to save her. Chris comes in and drags Cathy out as she screams for Bart.


We then jump ahead a few more years. Cathy and her brother now live in California with her two kids by two different men, both of whom think Chris is their father. A bunch of random women tell them how perfect they are and they just smile. We then get to see Corrine in the mental institution crying and screaming about her kids and dropping hints that maybe she wasn't always quite so evil.


Lesson learned: Sleeping with your sibling may work out for you in the long run, but I don't recommend it.

Stonados – Poor, Poor Boston

Runtime: 89 minutes
Release Date: November 23, 2013
Rating: NR
Director: Jason Bourque


Stonados is the perfect movie to whip out when you and your friends want something that will make you laugh your ass off. I know, because my roommate and I were laughing within the first five minutes.


Some poor tour guide has to lead a group of people around Plymouth Rock, which really really sucks if you ever see it in person. In fact, one of the members of that group points out that it's incredibly small right off the bat. A sudden storm whips up on the water, sends wind flying around, and causes everyone to run for their lives. The poor tour guide tries to grab on to the railing around the rock, but the wind carries her off. Small Rock Guy sees it happen in front of him, but he apparently disappears later because no one mentions her again. Oh, and the storm also carries off Plymouth Rock.


Joe (Paul Johansson), who looks as wooden here as he did on One Tree Hill, is a high school chemistry teacher working with his students and showing them a fake volcano. Yeah, because if there's one thing high school students love, it's craft projects done by The Brady Bunch. He gets a phone call from Maddy, his former friend and a current police officer, that she needs his help. Turns out that Plymouth Rock touched down in Boston, but no one in town seems to know what it is or where it came from.


We also get to meet Lee. Despite graduating from Harvard, he's the backup weekend weather man for a small local station. He also has a huge crush on Maddy, which might explain why she lets him by the police barrier and into the crime scene. We then learn that Joe and Lee were once best friends and storm chasers. Joe and his wife later became the top vulcanologists in the world, but he quit after she died to focus on their two kids. I guess chasing storms qualifies you to study volcanoes, which qualifies you to teach high school science?


Speaking of those kids, Jackson and Megan are easily two of the most annoying characters. Their dad asks them to stay together in one place, so they naturally split up. This leads to Megan and her friend picking up two guys who are clearly in their twenties and far too old to hang out with teenage girls. One guy even points out that he's good with high school girls. Ew. Dude, I have a policy officer you should meet.


Joe somehow determines that the storm is picking up rocks and depositing those stones elsewhere and that the storm is coming their way. He heads to the marina to find his kids, which leads to him literally walking at a slow pace through a marina and shouting his kids' names over and over again, seriously, dad? That's like tots embarrassing.


Luckily, he manages to find his kids, scold them, and make them go home before the storm hits. But uh-oh! There's another storm coming! This one will be way worse. Maddy, Lee, and Joe decide to work together, but it really just means that they go to the big weather people, tell them their findings, and basically get laughed out of the room.


Cut to several days later because I don't feel like recapping some of the ridiculousness. Weather lady comes back to them and apologizes for not believing them because her new data indicates that they were right all along. Joe finds out that his kids didn't listen to him about sticking close to home and sneaked out to a hockey game or some shit. The three go to find them, but Joe wants to avoid the busy streets because there are literally stones raining down. One of the best moments occurs when a lady on the street gets hit by one, which sends her crashing through a stone wall. All you see are her hands waving from behind a CGI rock.


Oh, and did I mention that the stones are for some reason super cold and exploding? Yup, that explains why they get stuck in an alley in a big cargo vans with rocks all around. Instead of, you know getting out and walking, they keep trying to drive through as the rocks go off around them. One blows out their back tires, so they have to run to the stadium, which decided to finally evacuate the guests after seeing exploding rocks outside.


Luckily, Joe somehow has a flashlight on him and the group finds the kids. Weather lady gets them a massive military weapon, which Joe says he can shoot into the storm and end it. Lee gets to document everything with his dashboard camera, so the news lets everyone know the deal. Weather lady starts to apologize once again, but a huge stone flattens her in front of them.


Joe goes to shoot, the gun jams, and he and Lee somehow know what to do without speaking. They get in an SUV, drive it close to the storm, set the weapon, and jump out of the SUV. This scene is so funny! The car literally looks like it's going five miles an hour, but they jump out and roll across the ground in slow motion. No worries though, the weapon saves the day!


Stonados then jumps to a few months later or something like that. Maddy is watching the kids and cooking dinner for Joe like a cute little family. They watch Lee as a weatherman on television because I guess he couldn't get a better job after saving the world. He sends a special shout out to his fiance Maddy and she gets all giddy. I guess he doesn't have a problem with his fiance playing house with his best friend? Joe then comes home from teaching at Harvard again with his cool guy look of a corduroy jacket and jeans. He sits down to eat with the kids before they all plan to go out for a game, and the movie ends with him making a joke about the bad weather.


Lesson learned: storms are bad peeps!


Can't believe I almost forgot this, but the Cigarette Smoking Man from The X-Files is in this movie! He basically lives close to the water, calls Joe with updates about the storm, and talks a lot to his bird. Don't get too excited, he's not in there very long.

Are You in the House Alone? TV Movie Review

Hey Don't I Know You Moment: Dennis Quaid as the sneaky, sneaky Phil.
Hey Don't I Know You Moment II: Blythe Danner! What are you doing in this movie?


Gail is your typical teenage girl. Despite only living in town for six months, she already has a best friend and an ex-boyfriend. That boyfriend dumped her when she refused to put out, but as her mom tells us later, "she's not a virgin!" At the beginning of the film, the camera slowly pans across a typical 1970's living room to show us a beaten and battered Gail on the floor, or as beaten and battered as you can look with one bruise on your face. At the hospital, Gail reveals that she was raped but "no one will believe he did it," which is why she won't name names.


Now we go back in time. Alison, her best friend, has a hunky boyfriend named Phil who she adores. She tots dreams of them spending the rest of their lives together and thinks that he would never cheat on her. She even talks about their future wedding. Since no woman is complete without a man by her side, Alison decides to fix her loser friend Gail up with Steve. The four go on a double date to an ice cream shop, which is oh so cute.


The next day, Gail admits that she like-likes Steve. He's smart, sexy, and 900 other adjectives that she mentions. Alison thinks that they make the perfect couple, but her mom isn't crazy about her dating anyone. Her parents actually have a minor argument because her mom (Danner) thinks they got married too young. Way to tell your husband you shouldn't have married him! She dislikes her daughter dating even more when the two decide to do steady.


The one dark spot in her happy life is a note that arrives in her locker from someone claiming that he's watching her. Alison laughs it off because it's clearly a practical joke from someone else. Gail decides to laugh it off too, but the letters keep coming. We then meet a whole bunch of characters designed to make us wonder if one of them is her stalker. There's her ex-boyfriend, her friends, and her photography teacher.


In one of the movies ickiest scenes, her photography teacher gives the class a lecture on how to pose for different types of profile pictures. He chooses Gail to model a sexy pose. She puts on a costume and does a few poses, but "that's Hollywood sexy, show we Gail sexy." Okay then. Clearly her high school teacher looks forward to the day he winds up behind bars.


Gail comes home from a date to find her parents arguing. Her mom wants to go back to work and found a real estate job, but her dad thinks women should be barefoot and pregnant or in the kitchen. Just kidding. He actually just rants about how she doesn't need to work. After getting another letter, Gail decides to visit her dad at work and ask for his advice. Surprise! Daddy no longer has a job. His company fired him over a month ago. When she points out that he still leaves home at the same time every day, the secretary responds, "Yeah, lots of guys do that." What the hell kind of town is this? Gail confronts her mom about his job, and she mom basically tells her to STFU and leave him alone because he's ashamed about losing his job.


Her stalker then decides to just keep coming at her. He starts calling her at home and while she sits, which leads to a creepy moment where she tries to run home and her photography teacher suddenly shows up and offers her a ride. Her stalker also leaves her more threatening notes and notes calling her a slut or a whore. No one seems to find this strange, but since Steve at least listens to her, she jumps his bones. After dozens of scenes with the camera following her around to mimic someone stalking her, we finally get to the scene from the beginning.


After getting a phone call from someone who claims he can see her, she calls Steve for help and he agrees to come right over. Someone knocks on the door, but instead of Steve, it's Phil! He asks if Alison is there, says he's worried about her, and then asks to use her phone. While she goes back to her homework, he pretends to make a call and then wipes his fingerprints from the phone. He then lowers his voice and reveals he was the guy from the phone.


Gail thinks he's playing with her until he grabs her and smacks her around a little. Phil accuses her of teasing him by...I don't know, being best friends with his girlfriend? He rapes her on the living room floor before grabbing the wall, touching multiple things in the house, and then slamming the door behind him. Good job wiping the fingerprints off the phone but leaving prints all over the rest of the house.


While in the hospital, Gail refuses to tell anyone who did it to her. She even changes her story to say it was a guy she didn't know in a sweater that might have been brown who probably had brown hair. The police officer, who has the cutest little police cap!, warns her that if she doesn't give them a name, the case won't go ahead. Just as the cop goes to leave, Gail finally names Phil.


We then jump forward to her kitchen. Her dad wants to go over to Phil's house and beat the crap out of him, but her mom calms him down. We learn that Phil's dad is good pals with some judge, who is apparently the only judge in town, so the law won't go after him. Blythe then bursts into tears and says that they won't take the case because they can't win and they can't win because, "she isn't a virgin!" Their lawyer puts out that it's much more complicated than that. They actually can't win because (a) they were friends, (b) she willingly let Phil into her house, and (c) she's not a virgin. Wait, what? Yeah, the local police won't take the rape charges seriously because Gail isn't a virgin.


Since this is one wild and crazy town, Gail refuses to go back to school. She decides to move to Connecticut and live with her aunt. That all changes when one of her teachers comes for a visit and points out that if she runs away, Phil wins. So, off Gail goes back to school. Steve feels bad because he knows she only opened the door that night on the assumption that he was behind it, and Alison keeps ignoring her.


When Gail finally gets Alison alone, her friend says that Phil told her that Gail kept throwing herself at him. Even though he cheated on her, it's okay because it totally wasn't his fault. He couldn't, you know, resist someone throwing herself at him. They have a huge teenage girl fight, where Gail accuses her friend of not wanting to hear anything that might disrupt her future wedding and the other girl running off in tears.


Gail and Steve decide to set Phil up after she gets another letter. They place a time release camera hidden near her locker. The camera captures Phil dropping off another threatening letter. When he realizes what she did, he follows her into the room. Instead of screaming for help, she throws paint at him and backs further into the room. When she finally does scream for help, Steve and another student rush to her aid and find Phil about to punch her in the face. Gail tells us in a voice-over that Phil pleaded guilty to an assault charge and got sent to boarding school. That's punishment, I guess?


Lessons Learned:


Do not let people you know into your home.
Unwanted sexual contact doesn't count if you had sex before.
Dennis Quaid still looks hot, even when he's assaulting someone.

Christmas Cupid aka The 900th Ripoff

I have a confession to make: I have approximately 900 ABC Family movies in my Netflix queue right now and a good portion of them are Christmas movies. You should see the look on my boyfriend’s face when he comes home and finds me curled up with a holiday movie in August.

“Christmas Cupid” centers on a publicist named Sloane (Christina Milan, “Ghosts of Girlfriends Past”)who has her hands full. Not only does she have to baby-sit an out of control young actress, Catlin (Ashley Benson, “Pretty Little Liars”), but she also has to deal with working with her ex-boyfriend and sleeping with her boss. Catlin’s newest movie, Snow Angel, is set for a Christmas release date, and her boyfriend/boss Andrew keeps riding her about making it perfect.

Sloane is so focused on her job that she doesn’t realize that people around her have pretty sucky lives. Her best friend recently opened a restaurant with her husband but business is so bad that she’s about to shut it down. Her mother wants nothing more than to spend Christmas with her, and takes her shopping without mentioning that her most recent husband isn’t coming home for the holidays.

Her life gets turned upside down when Catlin goes out partying, chokes on a martini olive, and dies on the dance floor. Catlin comes back to haunt Sloane and make her realize what her shitty decisions mean to others. Sloane manages to cross paths with Patrick (Chad Michael Murray, “One Tree Hill”), the love of her college years. She runs into him in the hospital where he works as a doctor when she needs confirmation of Catlin’s death.

Catlin introduces her to Brad, who was her first boyfriend. Brad serves as the ghost of Christmas past, taking her on a tour of her old relationships. We learn that Patrick got a good job in Iowa, but she ran away and left him a note because she couldn’t deal with moving, even though he was about to propose. She just keeps trading boyfriends for someone richer or more powerful. Catlin tells her that Andrew is cheating on her and shows her proof that money and power mean nothing.

Sloane confronts Andrew who admits that he did cheat but that they would be a real power couple. She dumps him and asks Patrick out on a date. Even though she thinks that he could be the one, she decides to marry Andrew when he interrupts their date with a proposal.

Her co-worker Jason shows up that night because he was her most recent boyfriend. He shows her that her restaurant owning friend is almost broke, and he shows her how sad her mom is sitting at home. She also gets the chance to see how sad Patrick was when she ran off with Andrew, and she learns that Andrew was talking on the phone to someone even as he proposed.

Sloane attempts to make things better, but when that fails, Santa appears. He shows her the future. Her mother has a house full of dogs because her husband left her, her best friend now works as a waitress because her restaurant failed, and she is in the hospital dying alone. Sloane argues with Santa until he reveals himself as Andrew. He tells her that they married, but she eventually left him and took part of his business.

When Sloane wakes the next day, she makes up with her mom and drops her off at a friend’s house. She gets to Catlin’s memorial/movie premier in time to drop gift certificates to her friend’s restaurant in everyone’s gift bags, and she even lets some of her employees go home to spend time with their families.

After breaking up with Andrew, she makes up with Jason and apologizes for using him. She then rushes to see Patrick, apologizes to him, and they kiss. As the movie ends, she takes him to her friend’s house, and they all have dinner together. Sorry for the lack of snark, but I totally liked this one!

Family Sins

Kirstie Alley, you are one cold-hearted bitch.

So our dear sweet Kirstie plays Brenda Gleck, a woman who opens her home to foster kids out of the goodness of her heart. When the movie opens, Brenda is celebrating Mother's Day with a shit ton of kids. Everyone looks super happy and glad to be there, except for the one girl in the corner who just sits quietly, holding her child. After opening dozens of expensive gifts, daddy Alley asks the girl what she got for momma and proceeds to flip out because it's the most important day of the year! Kirstie calms him down and says it doesn't really matter.

Later in the movie, the sad chick is revealed as Marie, a foster child. She escapes with her son and tries to get some help. She keeps telling them that Brenda and her husband did horrible stuff to her, but no one will listen. They keep pointing out that the local newspaper did a story on what a great mother Brenda is so it must all be in her mind.

A few flashbacks reveal that Brenda is even crazier than previously thought. She and her husband own a bunch of rental properties and when people won't listen, she just sets their homes on fire and collects the insurance money. One particularly bad situation comes about when one of her tenants complains about roaches. Brenda can't be bothered to fix it, so the woman calls the health department. Three days later, her house goes up in flames. Brenda conveniently shows up, yelling about her white trash tenant ruining her precious home.

Oh, and did I forget to mention that she teachers her kids how to shoplift? Marie remembers getting caught outside a store and Brenda slapping her in front of the manager to make herself look better. When we see her taking back her Mother's Day gifts without any receipts, we quickly discover that her kids just keep stealing.

Brenda is not a big fan of landlord-tenant law either. When people can't pay or whatever, she just tosses them out and steals their stuff. They literally have a basement full of stuff belonging to people who rented from them before. She's pretty defensive of her “real” kids too. When her son-in-law decides that he can't handle this whackadoo family anymore, he takes off and files for full custody of his kids. Brenda gets her son to kidnap him, lock him in the basement, and beat the shit out of him until he agrees to be a good son-in-law again.

Then we have poor Nadine. Nadine was a friend of Brenda's who completely lost her shit when her boyfriend/husband took off and left her with a baby. Brenda lets her move into their home and help out around the house to pay her way. Help out around the house is code for “do what I say or we will rape you and beat you.” Nadine is also Marie's mom. One day when they leave her working outside, she runs away. A cop finds her, calls Brenda, and they run to get her. Once she goes back, they lock her in the basement again and beat her with an extension cord. Can I just say that seeing Kirstie Alley berate someone for folding towels wrong is the kind of thing that gives me nightmares?

Marie tries explaining to her mother what's going on, but her mom is super confused. Even after Brenda goes to jail, Nadine keeps asking about her. She also talks about how loving the family was and how one boy promised to take care of her daughter, even as he was raping her.

Marie goes to a DA, but he doesn't move fast enough for her so she goes to the press. They interview the Glecks and Brenda helpfully brings out the newspaper clipping about what a great foster mother she is. Marie then flashes back to the moment when she learned she was pregnant. Brenda kept calling her fat, and she started beating the crap out of her when Marie said she was pregnant. Her son jumped in the middle, and I'm pretty sure that Brenda's husband knocked her up. Another site said it was the son, but Brenda asks her husband if it's true and he kind of shrugs and goes back to eating his cereal, so I am pegging him as the baby daddy.

The DA finally gets off his ass and they raid the house, finding Nadine and a bunch of stolen merchandise in the basement. The “bad” son-in-law tells him what he knows and they lock up a bunch of the family members. That doesn't stop Brenda though because she calls one of her guys and gives him a coded message to either threaten or kill Marie. No worries though because she totally gets prison time and so do her sons and husband.

Beauty & The Briefcase

I should have known that this movie would be bad, but I totally have a crush on Michael McMillian (“The Hills Have Eyes 2,” “What I Like About You”). While I love him, the movie also stars Hillary Duff who I secretly can't stand.

So the Duffster plays Lane, a completely shallow and obsessed writer who only thinks about looking good and finding the perfect boyfriend. When she goes to see Kate (Jamie Pressly, “My Name is Earl”), the editor of Cosmopolitan, she learns that her newest article is a dud. They don't need any more of her crap, so she's out of a job. Suddenly, she comes up with the idea to get a job in the financial/business world and write an article about all the men she dates.

After creating a fake resume, they give her a shot on the computer software. Since she has no idea what she's doing, she spills coffee on the power supply and knocks power out on the whole floor. The hiring manager somehow decides to give her job anyway, even though she didn't prove that she can do the work!

On her first day of work, she meets her boss Tom (McMillian). He's a total by the board kind of guy, the type of guy who talks, walks, eats, and sleeps business. He teaches her hand motions that he can do from his office to tell her what she needs to do without wasting time with a phone call. Naturally she forgets it all, standing up and twirling when he does one motion because she thinks that he wants to check out her outfit.

None of that matters though because she gets to meet a bunch of guys. Since this movie is apparently set in the 1940s, the only women in the world are secretaries and wives. There are literally no other women in her department, so all the guys fall all over themselves to ask her out. Duffster also has a long list of traits that she wants in her perfect man. She meets one guy who seems great on paper, but he's a total dud in person.

One night, she meets Liam (Chris Carmack, “The O.C.,” “Shark Night”) and he seems perfect. He looks great, makes her laugh, and even has a cute Australian accent. She decides to use the dud in her article but actually write about all her nights when Liam. Unfortunately, she then discovers that Liam is an actor who works at a restaurant as a waiter. He and his buddy take turns covering for each other, making girls think that they are who they say they are.

Let me point out here that he lied about a few things, but he hits everything else on her list. She really likes him, they have great chemistry, and everyone she knows likes him. Despite all that, she breaks up with him and decides that she absolutely cannot ever see him again.

Tom accidentally comes across a copy of her article and flips out. He cannot believe that (a) she would lie to him the entire time she worked there and (b) that she would write about her sex life with a co-worker. He calls her and the dud into his office, and the dud is naturally confused because they only had two dates.

Lane gets fired, but she gets her article back. Kate thinks the article is so great that she shows her a mock up of the next issue, which has her article as one of its cover stories. When Kate casually asks about Tom, Lane has no clue what she's talking about. Kate wants a follow up story about their relationship, which confuses the Duffster because she never thought of him in that way. Following Kate's advice, she rushes back to the office, finds Tom, and plants one on him. And I guess they live happily every after.

WTF? When the movie first started, I figured that they would end up together because of the cover for Beauty & the Briefcase. After like an hour of them barely spending any time together, I figured I was wrong. They literally have zero chemistry together and rarely spend time in the same room. I guess she traded the hot guy she shared amazing chemistry with for her former boss.

Two Babies: Switched at Birth

I watched this movie under the title “Mistaken Identity,” but I love, love, love the name it originally aired under “Two Babies: Switched at Birth.” The original title somehow sounds more like a made-for-TV masterpiece.

When Sarah (Melissa Gilbert) goes into labor, her husband rushes her to the hospital. Approximately 30 seconds later, we learn that they are “city folk” who only came to the country to go antiquing. Why would you go shopping when you're that close to labor? Better yet, what are you still doing out when it's pitch black at night?

Anyway, Linda (Patricia Arquette) goes into labor at the same time and conveniently, the two woman share a room. Sarah and James are super rich and Sarah puts her foot into her mouth when she asks Linda about her husband. As if her lack of a ring wasn't enough proof, Linda calmly explains that she's knocked up and single. After giving birth, Sarah notices that her kids looks a little off, but the nurse assures her that it's her kid, so she goes home to the city.

Darryl, aka Linda's spawn's sperm, pops up in town just in time to complain that he doubts the kid is his because he looks nothing like him. Linda doesn't want child support or anything else from him, but he still wants a blood test anyone. This guy is such a dick that he's worried about people calling him the dad around town, despite the fact that everyone knows he was sleeping with her and left town when she got pregnant.

Linda gets the news that (a) Darryl's DNA doesn't match the baby and (b) surprise! the DNA doesn't match hers either. Realizing that the babies were switched at the hospital, she decides to call Sarah. The last time she called her, Sarah was too busy with her big city life to deal with some chick from a hick town. After talking things over, Sarah and her husband agree to do a DNA test, which reveals that yup, the babies were totally switched at birth.

Instead of deciding to keep the kids separated forever or possibly switching them back, they decide to get together constantly and mope over their real child. Linda is a total free spirit who *gasp* feeds her son apple juice. The horror! Sarah's son cannot possibly have any type of sugar, so she actually dilutes his apple juice with a ton of water. Um, they made natural apple juice even in the 90s lady.

The little happy family thing kind of works, up to the point where Darryl starts sniffing around again. After dating and boffing like bunnies, he asks Linda to move in with him. Then he drops a bombshell, he wants to sue for custody of his real son. This basically means that they would keep custody of the other kid and have custody of their own.

Did I forget to mention that the two families are getting a huge settlement from the hospital? Yeah, that's why Darryl started coming around again. Darryl explains that he loves his real son, up to the point where the lawyer tells him that they won't get any money from the hospital if they get custody. Apparently, the law would consider everything okey-dokey if they got custody. I guess the 2+ years they spent raising another child doesn't count for anything.

Sarah realizes that Darryl is a dick, but of course Linda doesn't want to hear it. Sarah and James randomly show up at a birthday party for their real son and get into it with Darryl. Plus, Sarah finds out that she's pregnant (again) and is super busy with that. Ugh, so finally after like 40 minutes, Linda realizes that Darryl is a dick. In the process, James offers to buy her a house near them in the city and flat out give it to her, which is a deal I would totally take. The two families finally decide to help each other raise the kids and live happily ever after.

BTW, this is supposedly based on a true story. Given that there were quite a few stories like this, I don't know if it's based on a specific case or just some random conglomeration.