Runtime: 85 minutes
Release Date: May 26, 2014
Rating: NR
Director: Karen Moncrieff
Petals on the Wind picks up 10
years after the traumatic and sometimes giggle inducing elements of
Flowers in the Attic. We get to see Cathy, Chris, and Carrie at a
funeral. Though you might think that their heinous grandmother or
whore of a mother died, it's actually some random dude named Paul. He
was a pretty big deal in the books but means nothing here. He
apparently adopted them after they ran away from Foxworth Hall. Now
he's dead, but he luckily left the kids everything.
Cathy dreams of being a big deal
ballerina, while Chris wants to be a doctor. While in class one day,
Cathy meets the ultra hunky Julian. Not only does he have abs that
make me drool, but he's also the son of her teacher and a fairly
famous dancer in New York. After giving her some tips, wrapping her
feet, and taking her out for moonshine (seriously), he decides that
she should run away with him and go to New York.
Though she originally thinks this
is cray-cray, she comes home and finds Chris waiting up for her. He
keeps pushing her to admit that she was on a date before pretty much
breaking down in tears and admitting that he's in love with her.
Creepy on so, so, so many levels. She admits that she too is
cray-cray for him and they have sex. Cut to the next morning and
Carrie listening in on them from the hallway. Cathy then decides to
take off with Julian.
This leaves those behind out of the
loop. Chris eventually starts dating Sarah, the daughter of the
doctor in charge of his residency. Carrie has problems of her own.
The other girls at school keep making fun of her because she carries
around a doll, which was the last gift her mom gave her. They even
hide in in a storage closet and put a noose around its neck. They
also tease the very clearly average size girl for being so short and
small compared to them.
Cathy finds that New York is far
from what she expected. Julian has a vicious streak that causes him
to act out and be pretty jealous. The same day that she moves in, he
goes down on her and demands that she admit that "it" and
her belong to him. On another day, he gets so pissed off when he
thinks that she's flirting with another guy that he deliberately
drops her and she injures her knee.
She sticks with him up until he
refuses to let her go back to Virginia for her brother's graduation
from med school. They fight, and he slams her face into the wall. No
worries though. Cathy still makes it back to Virginia to learn that
her brother moved on and has a new girlfriend. Chris mans up after
seeing her black eye, but she still goes back to Julian. In the hopes
of making her happy, Julian puts broken glass in the lead ballerina's
toe shoes. When she falls out of the next dance, Cathy gets her spot.
Carrie then runs away to New York
and asks Cathy if she can move in with them. Cut to several months
later and Cathy's big debut on stage. Chris shows up and while
backstage, he sees Julian with his hand up Carrie's skirt. This
causes a huge fight, and when Julian runs off, Cathy jumps in his
car. Right after telling him that she's pregnant, another car blind
sides them.
We then jump to about a year later.
Cathy now has her own dance school, and Carrie pretty much does
nothing except mope around and sing in choir. A guy who clearly looks
like a priest starts making eyes at her, and he proposes a few months
later. Carrie admits that she really does feel wicked inside and that
she wouldn't make a good wife for him. She also admits that she and
Julian were fooling around.
Meanwhile, Corrine is her usually
evil self. She's still married to that dude, Bart, from the first
movie. Her mom had a severe stroke that left her bedridden and unable
to leave the house. Corrine sees her a few times just to randomly
talk about her mom ruined her life and how Corrine is so much
prettier and more popular than her. She also decides to completely
renovate Foxworth Hall and remake it in her own honor.
Carrie goes to see her mom and give
her an invitation to her wedding. I guess she got over that whole
"I'm not good enough" thing. Corrine pretends she doesn't
know who she is and even points out that she must have got her
confused with someone else as she "doesn't have any kids."
Cathy finds a bunch of unopened
letters that Carrie sent to her mom and her mom sent back returned.
She also discovers that Carrie made doughnuts and got out the poison.
She and Chris rush upstairs and finds that she ate the poisoned
doughnuts and killed herself. Cathy decides that she will do anything
to bring down their mother. Chris snaps because he's somehow still a
mommy's boy and tells her that if she leaves, she's on her own.
Cathy whores it up in tall boots
and a short skirt. She goes to visit Bart, claiming that she needs
help with her estate. She also does some flirting and milks the fact
that she's a single mother and that his wife couldn't have kids. The
two naturally start an affair that ends with her pregnant. Sarah then
shows up on her doorstep with the news that she and Chris are engage
and that she wants Cathy to be her maid of honor.
When she heads home for the
wedding, she naturally can't keep her hands off her brother. They
start making out, and Sarah catches them. Chris is so angry that he
decides to get even with his mother and help his sister out. They go
back to Foxworth Hall, and Cathy comes face to face with their
grandmother. The old women once again tells them that they're evil,
wicked, the spawns of satan, blah, blah, blah. Cathy finally snaps
and points out who killed Corrie and who did what to whom.
Cut to the day of the Foxworth Hall
unveiling. Corrine goes to see her mother, who says some suspicious
things and keeps bringing up the past. She goes home to Bart, starts
giving him a hand job, and then turn evil. While still giving him a
hand job, she makes him look at her in the mirror as she tells him
she knows of his affair and that things will change from that moment
on. They then go to the house and have a huge party in front of their
friends.
Cathy shows up at the top of the
stairs to tell everyone about what her mother did all those years
ago. Corrine tries to deny it, but Bart realizes it's the truth.
Cathy then reveals that she's pregnant with his child, and Bart
throws everyone from the party. He gets Cathy alone, and she finally
realizes that by getting back at her mother, she hurt an innocent
person and that deep down, she really does care about him.
Corrine goes to see her mother, who
casually says, "so, I guess the chickens have come home to
roost?". She then shows Corrine a trunk that she had workers get
from the attic and says she has a special present inside. Corrine
digs through the trunk, finding the paper flowers her kids made, some
clothes, and at the very bottom, Corrie's body. I guess she couldn't
be bothered burying him or anything.
Chris bursts in, and Corrine sees
her chance to escape. She creepily enough suggests that they run away
all three and raise Cathy's baby together, she then creepily enough
tries to ram her tongue down her son's throat. Chris snaps and pushes
her to the side, which causes her to snap.
She grabs a candle and lights the
room on fire before going crazy. Chris grabs her and carries her from
the house. Cathy and Bart wander in and find the house on fire. Bart,
hearing the grandmother screaming upstairs, runs up to save her.
Chris comes in and drags Cathy out as she screams for Bart.
We then jump ahead a few more
years. Cathy and her brother now live in California with her two kids
by two different men, both of whom think Chris is their father. A
bunch of random women tell them how perfect they are and they just
smile. We then get to see Corrine in the mental institution crying
and screaming about her kids and dropping hints that maybe she wasn't
always quite so evil.
Lesson learned: Sleeping with your
sibling may work out for you in the long run, but I don't recommend
it.
Runtime: 89 minutes
Release Date: November 23, 2013
Rating: NR
Director: Jason Bourque
Stonados is the perfect movie to
whip out when you and your friends want something that will make you
laugh your ass off. I know, because my roommate and I were laughing
within the first five minutes.
Some poor tour guide has to lead a
group of people around Plymouth Rock, which really really sucks if
you ever see it in person. In fact, one of the members of that group
points out that it's incredibly small right off the bat. A sudden
storm whips up on the water, sends wind flying around, and causes
everyone to run for their lives. The poor tour guide tries to grab on
to the railing around the rock, but the wind carries her off. Small
Rock Guy sees it happen in front of him, but he apparently disappears
later because no one mentions her again. Oh, and the storm also
carries off Plymouth Rock.
Joe (Paul Johansson), who looks as
wooden here as he did on One Tree Hill, is a high school chemistry
teacher working with his students and showing them a fake volcano.
Yeah, because if there's one thing high school students love, it's
craft projects done by The Brady Bunch. He gets a phone call from
Maddy, his former friend and a current police officer, that she needs
his help. Turns out that Plymouth Rock touched down in Boston, but no
one in town seems to know what it is or where it came from.
We also get to meet Lee. Despite
graduating from Harvard, he's the backup weekend weather man for a
small local station. He also has a huge crush on Maddy, which might
explain why she lets him by the police barrier and into the crime
scene. We then learn that Joe and Lee were once best friends and
storm chasers. Joe and his wife later became the top vulcanologists
in the world, but he quit after she died to focus on their two kids.
I guess chasing storms qualifies you to study volcanoes, which
qualifies you to teach high school science?
Speaking of those kids, Jackson and
Megan are easily two of the most annoying characters. Their dad asks
them to stay together in one place, so they naturally split up. This
leads to Megan and her friend picking up two guys who are clearly in
their twenties and far too old to hang out with teenage girls. One
guy even points out that he's good with high school girls. Ew. Dude,
I have a policy officer you should meet.
Joe somehow determines that the
storm is picking up rocks and depositing those stones elsewhere and
that the storm is coming their way. He heads to the marina to find
his kids, which leads to him literally walking at a slow pace through
a marina and shouting his kids' names over and over again, seriously,
dad? That's like tots embarrassing.
Luckily, he manages to find his
kids, scold them, and make them go home before the storm hits. But
uh-oh! There's another storm coming! This one will be way worse.
Maddy, Lee, and Joe decide to work together, but it really just means
that they go to the big weather people, tell them their findings, and
basically get laughed out of the room.
Cut to several days later because I
don't feel like recapping some of the ridiculousness. Weather lady
comes back to them and apologizes for not believing them because her
new data indicates that they were right all along. Joe finds out that
his kids didn't listen to him about sticking close to home and
sneaked out to a hockey game or some shit. The three go to find them,
but Joe wants to avoid the busy streets because there are literally
stones raining down. One of the best moments occurs when a lady on
the street gets hit by one, which sends her crashing through a stone
wall. All you see are her hands waving from behind a CGI rock.
Oh, and did I mention that the
stones are for some reason super cold and exploding? Yup, that
explains why they get stuck in an alley in a big cargo vans with
rocks all around. Instead of, you know getting out and walking, they
keep trying to drive through as the rocks go off around them. One
blows out their back tires, so they have to run to the stadium, which
decided to finally evacuate the guests after seeing exploding rocks
outside.
Luckily, Joe somehow has a
flashlight on him and the group finds the kids. Weather lady gets
them a massive military weapon, which Joe says he can shoot into the
storm and end it. Lee gets to document everything with his dashboard
camera, so the news lets everyone know the deal. Weather lady starts
to apologize once again, but a huge stone flattens her in front of
them.
Joe goes to shoot, the gun jams,
and he and Lee somehow know what to do without speaking. They get in
an SUV, drive it close to the storm, set the weapon, and jump out of
the SUV. This scene is so funny! The car literally looks like it's
going five miles an hour, but they jump out and roll across the
ground in slow motion. No worries though, the weapon saves the day!
Stonados then jumps to a few months
later or something like that. Maddy is watching the kids and cooking
dinner for Joe like a cute little family. They watch Lee as a
weatherman on television because I guess he couldn't get a better job
after saving the world. He sends a special shout out to his fiance
Maddy and she gets all giddy. I guess he doesn't have a problem with
his fiance playing house with his best friend? Joe then comes home
from teaching at Harvard again with his cool guy look of a corduroy
jacket and jeans. He sits down to eat with the kids before they all
plan to go out for a game, and the movie ends with him making a joke
about the bad weather.
Lesson learned: storms are bad
peeps!
Can't believe I almost forgot this,
but the Cigarette Smoking Man from The X-Files is in this movie! He
basically lives close to the water, calls Joe with updates about the
storm, and talks a lot to his bird. Don't get too excited, he's not
in there very long.
Hey Don't I Know You Moment: Dennis
Quaid as the sneaky, sneaky Phil.
Hey Don't I Know You Moment II:
Blythe Danner! What are you doing in this movie?
Gail is your typical teenage girl.
Despite only living in town for six months, she already has a best
friend and an ex-boyfriend. That boyfriend dumped her when she
refused to put out, but as her mom tells us later, "she's not a
virgin!" At the beginning of the film, the camera slowly pans
across a typical 1970's living room to show us a beaten and battered
Gail on the floor, or as beaten and battered as you can look with one
bruise on your face. At the hospital, Gail reveals that she was raped
but "no one will believe he did it," which is why she won't
name names.
Now we go back in time. Alison, her
best friend, has a hunky boyfriend named Phil who she adores. She
tots dreams of them spending the rest of their lives together and
thinks that he would never cheat on her. She even talks about their
future wedding. Since no woman is complete without a man by her side,
Alison decides to fix her loser friend Gail up with Steve. The four
go on a double date to an ice cream shop, which is oh so cute.
The next day, Gail admits that she
like-likes Steve. He's smart, sexy, and 900 other adjectives that she
mentions. Alison thinks that they make the perfect couple, but her
mom isn't crazy about her dating anyone. Her parents actually have a
minor argument because her mom (Danner) thinks they got married too
young. Way to tell your husband you shouldn't have married him! She
dislikes her daughter dating even more when the two decide to do
steady.
The one dark spot in her happy life
is a note that arrives in her locker from someone claiming that he's
watching her. Alison laughs it off because it's clearly a practical
joke from someone else. Gail decides to laugh it off too, but the
letters keep coming. We then meet a whole bunch of characters
designed to make us wonder if one of them is her stalker. There's her
ex-boyfriend, her friends, and her photography teacher.
In one of the movies ickiest
scenes, her photography teacher gives the class a lecture on how to
pose for different types of profile pictures. He chooses Gail to
model a sexy pose. She puts on a costume and does a few poses, but
"that's Hollywood sexy, show we Gail sexy." Okay then.
Clearly her high school teacher looks forward to the day he winds up
behind bars.
Gail comes home from a date to find
her parents arguing. Her mom wants to go back to work and found a
real estate job, but her dad thinks women should be barefoot and
pregnant or in the kitchen. Just kidding. He actually just rants
about how she doesn't need to work. After getting another letter,
Gail decides to visit her dad at work and ask for his advice.
Surprise! Daddy no longer has a job. His company fired him over a
month ago. When she points out that he still leaves home at the same
time every day, the secretary responds, "Yeah, lots of guys do
that." What the hell kind of town is this? Gail confronts her
mom about his job, and she mom basically tells her to STFU and leave
him alone because he's ashamed about losing his job.
Her stalker then decides to just
keep coming at her. He starts calling her at home and while she sits,
which leads to a creepy moment where she tries to run home and her
photography teacher suddenly shows up and offers her a ride. Her
stalker also leaves her more threatening notes and notes calling her
a slut or a whore. No one seems to find this strange, but since Steve
at least listens to her, she jumps his bones. After dozens of scenes
with the camera following her around to mimic someone stalking her,
we finally get to the scene from the beginning.
After getting a phone call from
someone who claims he can see her, she calls Steve for help and he
agrees to come right over. Someone knocks on the door, but instead of
Steve, it's Phil! He asks if Alison is there, says he's worried about
her, and then asks to use her phone. While she goes back to her
homework, he pretends to make a call and then wipes his fingerprints
from the phone. He then lowers his voice and reveals he was the guy
from the phone.
Gail thinks he's playing with her
until he grabs her and smacks her around a little. Phil accuses her
of teasing him by...I don't know, being best friends with his
girlfriend? He rapes her on the living room floor before grabbing the
wall, touching multiple things in the house, and then slamming the
door behind him. Good job wiping the fingerprints off the phone but
leaving prints all over the rest of the house.
While in the hospital, Gail refuses
to tell anyone who did it to her. She even changes her story to say
it was a guy she didn't know in a sweater that might have been brown
who probably had brown hair. The police officer, who has the cutest
little police cap!, warns her that if she doesn't give them a name,
the case won't go ahead. Just as the cop goes to leave, Gail finally
names Phil.
We then jump forward to her
kitchen. Her dad wants to go over to Phil's house and beat the crap
out of him, but her mom calms him down. We learn that Phil's dad is
good pals with some judge, who is apparently the only judge in town,
so the law won't go after him. Blythe then bursts into tears and says
that they won't take the case because they can't win and they can't
win because, "she isn't a virgin!" Their lawyer puts out
that it's much more complicated than that. They actually can't win
because (a) they were friends, (b) she willingly let Phil into her
house, and (c) she's not a virgin. Wait, what? Yeah, the local police
won't take the rape charges seriously because Gail isn't a virgin.
Since this is one wild and crazy
town, Gail refuses to go back to school. She decides to move to
Connecticut and live with her aunt. That all changes when one of her
teachers comes for a visit and points out that if she runs away, Phil
wins. So, off Gail goes back to school. Steve feels bad because he
knows she only opened the door that night on the assumption that he
was behind it, and Alison keeps ignoring her.
When Gail finally gets Alison
alone, her friend says that Phil told her that Gail kept throwing
herself at him. Even though he cheated on her, it's okay because it
totally wasn't his fault. He couldn't, you know, resist someone
throwing herself at him. They have a huge teenage girl fight, where
Gail accuses her friend of not wanting to hear anything that might
disrupt her future wedding and the other girl running off in tears.
Gail and Steve decide to set Phil
up after she gets another letter. They place a time release camera
hidden near her locker. The camera captures Phil dropping off another
threatening letter. When he realizes what she did, he follows her
into the room. Instead of screaming for help, she throws paint at him
and backs further into the room. When she finally does scream for
help, Steve and another student rush to her aid and find Phil about
to punch her in the face. Gail tells us in a voice-over that Phil
pleaded guilty to an assault charge and got sent to boarding school.
That's punishment, I guess?
Lessons Learned:
Do not let people you know into
your home.
Unwanted sexual contact doesn't
count if you had sex before.
Dennis Quaid still looks hot, even
when he's assaulting someone.
